Home of Comedian Kevin Shea
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WHO LOVES PODCAST, I LOVE PODCAST….WHAT WHAT!!!
check me out on The CrabFeast podcast with Jay Larson and Ryan Sickler. It was great, we talk about everything from me being abandoned as a child to dick vampires. Enjoy
Check me out on “The 31” Podcast with Brandt Tobler. It was a pretty funny and just a warning its explicit. Enjoy
So I had an argument with my friend about a boy with down syndrome the other day that lasted about a minute…..yes sadly only a minute. As me and my buddy were driving to a shitty show, I had a gleaming thought about a strapping young retarded man……sounds crazy but the thought just popped in my head as it did for Dan Akroyd in Ghostbusters about the Stay Puft Marsh Mallow Man. I don’t know what inspired that thought, maybe it was the soothing sounds of the Black Eyed Eyes on the radio or the giant nerd standing at the bustop. For some reason I kept thinking about Corky.
If you don’t know who Corky is, he was the star of the hit early 90’s show “Life Goes On”. It was about the everyday life of a boy with down syndrome and how he struggles to fit in with his peers at a suburban Chicago high school. Lets be honest, I don’t think he’s tricking anyone. He could always wear a hat to cover his face, but once he started talking, you knew he had an extra chromosome. That was always weird to me that having an extra chromosome would create disabilities in the human body, I would think that having extra DNA would give you super powers. So the point I’m trying to get to is that I’m sitting in the car with my friend and I couldn’t figure out the name of the show…..we sat there for 30 seconds and then he just looked it up on his iphone, and that was that.
Back when I was a teenager, in the early 90’s, we would have spent hours arguing about what the name of the show was. Weather it was “Life Goes On” or “The Extra C” or “I Love to get Down”…. But with technology nowadays, we got the answer in an instant, and I gotta be honest with you, it kinda sucked, cause its fun to argue about useless knowledge. As soon as we found out what the show was, we both muttered in a very apathetic “ooooohhhhh”, then it was quiet for a good minute. Wasn’t it great when you had to ask 10 other people and trust that they’d know the answer, and even if they all gave the same answer, I’d argue that they were all relatives of Corky themselves. But now, the answer is there in an instant…so you’d assume ignorant people would be a thing of the past….right?
This is where I’m grossly ignorant myself. I would assume that when a person doesn’t know, they would just look it up on the internet. But here’s where it gets tricky, I was on yahoo answers trying to find out what you call a person with no arms or legs. To my dismay, I couldn’t find a clear cut answer. I assume you would just call them “unlucky”. So on this yahoo answers board, some person answered with:
“I think its Paraplegia….wait that means someone who is paralyzed and cannot use their limbs. Sorry, I don’t know. Good Luck”
That comment was so ridiculous to me…..this person took the time to give a wrong answer and then go back to correct themselves in the same comment. Does this person know that they are typing and not speaking. It would have been more helpful to not have posted anything. Now I’m just left confused and angry at the this person for wasting my precious time.
Although the internet is a useful, don’t always trust what you read. So instead of me asking 10 random people about the Corkster…now I’m asking 10 million people. So don’t always believe what you see and read on the web, cause if you see a picture of me in drag….thats total bullshit. I swear that pic is fake. All I’m trying to say is, next time your in a heated discussion about what kind of popcorn was used in the movie “Real Genius”…..keep the iphone away, cause there is nothing more bonding than almost losing a friendship over a Val Kilmer movie. Unplug the Ethernet cord and enjoy ignorance….except if you need porn.
Booze and Sports are probably two of my favorite things. I love them both, but I wonder which I would save first from a burning fire. Oddly enough I find them to be very similar, both have made me very happy and both have lead me to some questionable nights with some questionable woman….damn Cross Country groupies (yea, I made that up) Through personal experience, they tend to be a release from everyday life, and ironically both have caused immense stress in my life.
Oh the booze and how fun it is. But like every other nerdy adopted Korean kid who grew up in white America, I really didn’t get into the “courage” juice till college. I remember my first college party….mostly dudes from the Cross Country team (Cross Country is like running track, but through the woods, and I’m not running away from some crazy rapist). Its amazing how binge drinking cheap beer makes it ok to hang out with just a bunch of dudes telling each other how awesome we are as friends……can we say “homo-erotic”. The truth of the matter though, its actually way more fun to drink with friends then at a dance club trying to pick up chicks who want nothing to do with you. Its no fun to get wasted and try talk to some marginally attractive girl wearing American Apparel tights.
It may sound like I’m an alcoholic, but in reality I never drink at home, cause its not fun being obnoxious to your house plants….they just don’t react the same as humans. I don’t drink during the day, cause its weird to me, it feels like taking your booty call out to dinner. I usually have a drink or “couple” after a stand up show to mostly relax and it also helps me deal with the occasional white trash who wants to tell me their favorite racist joke that usually starts out like this “So, have you heard the one about the asian, blah blah blah, which I usually reply with “No, but do you want to buy a t-shirt?”
And ironically, about 4 years ago, I found out that I’m allergic to alcohol…most beers, wine, and vodka. Vodka I will miss, cause I enjoyed blacking out and waking up next to lamas…..its amazing how soft they are and better yet understanding. They’ll just listen to me talk and talk, they can’t run away cause I broke their legs….that last statement was a joke….or was it. So nowadays I stick to the whiskey, mainly Jameson. Just like liquor, I stick to one thing, I watch mostly football and I’m actually allergic to woman’s basketball…it makes me so sad to the point I feel like I’m experiencing menopause.
Being a former college athlete….ok, ok, ok….so I was a runner, its just a notch above girls softball, I get it, but I did get an education out of it. I really appreciate what these pro athletes can do on the field. As a huge fan of the Philadelphia Eagles, I’ve come to realize that sports is another huge form of addiction to waste my time and money. If you don’t think sports is a drug, look at all the morons who waste tons of money on season tickets, sports paraphernalia, cable tv packages of their favorite team while their kids have eaten spaghetti for 18 days in row, all while wearing a child sized Raiders jersey.
The sad truth is that when the Eagles lose on a Sunday, I’m ruined for the next couple days. But when they win, its amazing, its what those douchey parents who have that “my kids an honor student” sticker must feel like. But unlike alcohol, I watch sports predominately during the day and prefer to watch football by myself. Kinda like a crack head prefers to do drugs alone. But one of the best things about watching sports, is I get to criticize the athletes for not making a play, which is absolutely ridiculous cause I cant play the Wii without getting out of breath. The feeling of trashing your team must be like yelling at your own kids for what you couldn’t do at their age….I love hypocrisy. What’s weird is if I’m watching sports live, I’m usually indulging in some booze…which is usually a recipe for disaster.
So if I had to choose between booze or sports, I think of it like this:
Sports is not a year round thing but booze is. Sports hasn’t given me some of the best stories of all time, like when I jumped out of a second story window during a party so that no one would know I slept with a chick who’s nickname was “Sasquatch”…..hilarious, Booze has.
But, sports doesn’t make me sick and vomit in the middle of the street at 3am. Also I’ve never been scared of getting pulled over by the cops cause I’ve had too much football. So I’ve decided that if I had to live without Booze or Sports….I could “MAYBE” live without Booze….cause there’s always drugs.
Horror movies…..lets talk about them. I truly love horror movies, I grew up on Evil Dead 2, House(if you don’t know, check it out…for reals), Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Hellraiser, and a bunch more….message me if you want to know more. But as I’ve gotten older and horror movies have “Progressed”….I’ve realized that they stink. Yes, they all stink…except for the occasional few….and I mean few.
Every horror movie seems to be just a shitty remake, and granted, I understand why these remakes happen, cause there are very few new great ideas and my nieces and nephews have never heard of Freddy or Jason. If they’d make a “Chucky 18” …I would understand, cause lets be honest, there is nothing more hilarious then a motherfucking doll that sounds like Tony Saprano’s younger nephew who is determined, just like a vegan trying to explain that tofu is a meat. BUTTTTTTTTTT………….
I just recently watched this movie “The Strangers” (thank you Netflix)…starring Liv Tyler, and some idiot, which I don’t really care about (but he was cool in “Underworld”), and realized that horror movies want to be more “reality” than HORROR….which is ridiculous.
I kinda get it, directors want to make it “based on a true story”…..But, to quote the late great Mitch Hedberg….”just cause it was based on a true story doesn’t mean its true, cause I want to write a book BASED on a true story….but it has nothing to do with the original story…so this story is about spiders, but its based on a true story about flowers….” (that’s hilarious by the way) Lets be honest, when it comes to horror, Fiction is better than Fact.
It me made think….are real people that helpless, would they really not be able to defend themselves? Believe me I understand that I’m one of the biggest v-j-jays in the world when it comes to “self-defense”, but it makes me kinda sick how helpless they make these people seem. And I know the directors want to make a point that society is blah, blah, blah…..but holyballs. In “reality”, I know dudes from shitty Bethlehem, Pa, who’d fight over a Big Gulp.
What I’m saying is, I like movies when there is a villain who comes from dreams or an evil spirit raised in a pumpkin patch. Yes its old fashioned, but I like my victims to think, “ if I’m gonna die, I want to be taken down by a deformed child from a magical lake who finds a hockey mask behind a canoe”. Sounds cheesy, but getting stabbed in the face by 3 regular people the size of a front porch Christmas nativity set is just plain embarrassing.
They say that horror movies in the media is a reflection of whats going on in society, and that they prey on peoples everyday fears. To this I say, suck my dick….cause then I’m surprised that there isn’t a movie based on “Man Eating Credit Cards” that rips your face off if you don’t pay your minimum balance on time. I know, I know that’s just plain stupid, but having three people no bigger than a kitchen counter terrorizing you with a butter knife is also just as ridiculous.
All I’m trying to say is, I would love more horror movies with new villains, like an internet demon that gets you if your on Facebook too long. Something ridiculous but also scary……cause, if by chance some day I’m actually killed by whitetrash in a suit and a white mask, I don’t want my last thought to be “Fuck, that movie was actually real”. Just Saying.
As I’m walking to the theater at San Diego State University, I noticed that most of the 17 and 18 year old freshman girls are dressed like they’re heading to an adult film audition. Don’t get me wrong, I think its great cause I need a mental picture for later. It makes me think, I should have went to school in California….but to my point, I notice that most college kids are some of the toughest crowds I’ve ever performed for, especially freshman. Most of the students are very book smart, but have no life experience and have a hard time understanding sarcasm.
College students love the clever jokes, but anything to do with life experience and sarcasm, most of them just stare at me like my pants were just pulled down and instead of having a penis, theres a just a little robot doing the robot jig where my crotch is. Its not their faults cause they haven’t lived life, but whats really annoying is when I say something un-PC and they react like I just killed a puppy on stage. The problem with being young and somewhat intelligent, you become idealistic…..and that sometimes kills humor. I wonder if I was like that when I was 18…
I remember my first year in college, when I showed up to campus, I didn’t drink, I was a virgin, and thought abortion was the worst thing in the world. As for the drinking, that bubble was burst the first night. I went to the Cross Country house and there was a party going on….and little did I know it was for the freshman. So my first real taste of shitty beer came in the form of a beer bong. There is nothing more powerful than peer pressure, it’s basically the social date rape drug. As they pulled out the giant funnel the size of my head and a tube so big, it’d make Johnny Holmes blush….I thought to myself, are they building a Rube Goldberg contraption? Nope, they were gonna pour a pitcher of beer down my throat….they were successful…and it came back up a minute later. I wish I could say I lost my virginity that night, but sadly no.
The reason I stayed a virgin so long was for 2 reasons:
1. I truly thought I was going to find someone special.
2. I don’t think it was really up to me…
That was truly naïve of me cause I wasn’t religious and sex only gets better the more you do it. Its like food to me, there are so many different delicious kinds, you should try them all. I would eventually have sex…my Sophmore year, but that’s another story. The nice thing about not having sex is that theres no fears of STD or babies.
Lets just say hypothetically I happened to have gotten someone pregnant my freshman year, I would have most likely kept it. In my mind I thought idealistically that abortion was completely wrong…but more in reality, I have never experienced life. At that point I’ve never had a job, rent, or problems with real life. So maybe if I saw my act that age, I might not have found myself funny…..I doubt it, I was smarter than that…ok maybe not that smart.
In a final word, if your young and naïve, try not to take yourself so seriously….and get drunk first when you come to one of my shows.
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